The 70's: Part One, By Hannah

I have to dictate this review. I would type it, but I poked both my eyes out during the atrocity known as "The '70's" (the miniseries, not to be confused with the atrocity known as "The 70's" [the decade]).

Of course, every time I feel down about myself, blind and all, I can feel grateful that at least I was not responsible for inflicting this 4 hours of unparalleled crap on the American Public.

But if you are reading this, you probably didn't see it (believe me- you would've poked your eyes out too) so we'll summarize: Brad Pitt's Look Alike, Barbie, Homely Feminist and The Black Guy are all at Kent State. Except The Black Guy, who isn't actually a student, but a National Guardsman, who is best friends with the students anyway. The worst historical re-enactment since- well, since ever- takes place, and Homely Feminist thinks her boyfriend Brad Pitt's Look Alike has been shot. Unfortunately, he wasn't.

This is the beginning, and frankly, I occasionally wake up from nightmares about Kent State, and it happened BEFORE I WAS BORN. If I was there, I probably would still be in therapy. Every day.

The Black Guy, however, heads right off to shoot hoops. Brad Pitt's Look Alike comes to see him, and offers, by way of assurance, the fact that "52% of the American people think he did the right thing." At least it's no surprise where Brad Pitt's Look Alike ends up working. Homely Feminist uses it as an excuse to tell her parents she doesn't want to return to Kent State- she wants to transfer to Barnard, because Brad Pitt's Look Alike is entering law school at Columbia.

The Black Guy moves to LA, buys a movie theater (I assume he had some magic beans or something, since they don't bother to explain how he got the money), and falls in love with an activist whose husband was killed in Vietnam. He tells her they have all the same problems. Something tells me there's a difference between grieving for your husband and feeling guilty over shooting innocent college kids, but I could be wrong.

Brad Pitt's Look Alike meets a girl in a cab, who offers him a job working for CREEP. He drops out of law school and heads down to DC, where James McCord recruits him to pose as a Democratic volunteer, and he gets the floor plan of the DNHQ. After the election, he gets offered a job working for Haldeman.

Homely Feminist moves to Barnard. She graduates, and Barbie moves in with her. Barbie is a model and doesn't get along with the Homely Feminist's friends. She catches Brad Pitt's Look Alike snogging another girl, and can't get a job above secretary because she's a girl.

Barbie does drugs and dates a music producer, who changes the song from "Singing in the Moonlight" to "Dancing in the Moonlight." He dies of a heroin overdose.

The Black Guy is lured to his death by another black guy. We know he's not really dead because we see him in the previews for tomorrow night's episode.

Brad Pitt's Look Alike is subpoenaed, but he runs away from the process servers.

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